Jello Shots

In: Computers and Technology

Submitted By Bork
Words 388
Pages 2
I have jello shots in my pockets.
It's not comfortable, in fact it's wet and sticky. I don't like it. However, I still have them there and have made no effort to clean up myself. This is because, as I write this, I am drunk and have been my entire life. I have a rare condition that constantly ferments my food and drinks and produces alcohol inside my own body. This is an actual condition where a human is born with an abnormal amount of yeasts inside their intestines. When I eat my food is processed normally and enters my colon where it becomes fecal matter. This is where it gets interesting folks.
The crap stays inside my intestines in preparation for exit from my you-know-where but as it stays inside the intestines, the yeast begins to consume any nutrients left, much like dogs eat their own steaming piles after taking a good one, and they create gases that are actually alcohol. The alcohol enters my bloodstream and provides me with a constant drunk feeling.
Let me tell you folks, it sucks. I constantly take whizzes on cop cars, fall down laughing, and throw up on my best friend, whoever that may be that day. I have gone to doctors looking for a cure, but even the best ones just say to have a cup of coffee and try to balance the alcohol with caffeine. One actually hypothesized that the removal of my intestines would solve the problem. However, he also proposed the implanting of a snake carcass as snakes have roughly the same length and consistency of a human intestine. The doctor then realized that the snake carcass would not have the basic bacteria needed to process food in ordinary life, so that idea was scratched.
So there you have it folks, I am cursed to live my entire life as a constant drunk person. If you ever see me in public, you should be prepared and hold a bucket, purse, or shoe in front of my mouth... because I will probably throw up on you. Live…...

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